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During my career, both as a leader and as a team member, I have been aware that some emotions we are happy to share and others not so much. These emotions can range from joy and excitement to fear and frustration. I like to refer to them as Comfortable Emotions and Uncomfortable Emotions.
Let's look at the wheel below.
When we see posts on social media, they are generally about our comfortable emotions. Similarly, when people have conversations about their work or their role and their ability to manage, they are generally positive.
This gives us a sense that everyone else's life is great, so we begin to internalize the uncomfortable emotions. We don't speak about them, and in turn, this has the potential to lead to stress and anxiety. It's crucial to acknowledge these uncomfortable emotions, as they are a natural part of our human experience.
Over the next week, I want to explore some of the uncomfortable emotions and the reactions of others when I have used them, as well as the juxtaposed emotions and what leads to these feelings in the workplace.
Sadness
Let's look at the different reasons why we hide our sadness:
Cultural Factors: Sadness can be considered a sign of weakness. Have you heard the saying, "Boys don't cry"? In the workplace, anyone crying seems to set off alarms, suggesting that they can't cope.
Social Stigma: People who show their sadness openly can fear being judged, misunderstood, or seen as vulnerable. How can you be a good leader if you cry? Leaders are meant to be strong, aren't they?
Personal Coping Mechanisms: People believe that showing sadness will not solve their problems or prefer to deal with their emotions privately. (Hands up who has sobbed in the bathroom?!)
Fear of Burdening Others: People worry that expressing sadness will make others uncomfortable or negatively impact their relationships. Have you ever thought, "Their problem is bigger than mine, so I cannot burden them"?
Not everyone chooses to hide their sadness, and how people express emotions can vary greatly from person to person. As leaders, we have a significant role in fostering emotional intelligence and creating a supportive, understanding environment where people feel comfortable expressing their emotions if they choose to do so. This responsibility empowers us to lead with empathy and understanding.
I like to think of tears as flushing away anxiety and frustration rather than leaving them in our bodies to become blockages. Who doesn't feel better after a good cry?
Personal Reflection:
I had a situation where, as a CEO, I was sad and frustrated that I was struggling to surround myself with the right people in the organisation to support our commercial activity.
My place of safety to express my concerns and ask for help was with the Chair. I was accountable to that role and felt frustrated, leading to a few tears as we talked.
The reaction that surprised me the most was: "I don't think any less of you for crying!"
That clearly meant you did; for one or two tears falling, there was no empathy, sympathy, or support. Is that good leadership? Should the CEO have cried?
In another situation, as a CEO, a male team member came to me and ended up crying. After a long conversation trying to find out why and understanding the challenges he was facing both at work and personally, I was able to provide some immediate support, advice, and guidance. I identified that the issues were much more profound and beyond my capability as a leader, so we got him external support from a professional.
In which situation would you have felt more engaged and supported? I would like to know how you would have dealt with each situation. Let me know in the comments...
Happiness
By contrast, we are inclined to share our emotions when we are happy.
Sharing Happiness: Sharing happiness can help create social connections and strengthen relationships. When we share our happy emotions, others may feel joy and positivity, contributing to shared happiness and bonding. We all have those friends, colleagues, or family members that make us smile and laugh; it's contagious!
Positive Feedback and Validation: When we share our happy emotions, we often receive positive feedback and validation from others. This positive reinforcement encourages us to continue sharing positive experiences and motivates us. In the workplace, it inspires and motivates us, leading to improved teamwork and creativity.
Cultural Enjoyment: Culturally, we enjoy sharing our happiness with others, like holidays, birthdays, and celebrations. It can amplify the positive experience, and by sharing it with others, we may relive and prolong the positive emotions we initially felt. Like winning an award in the workplace, we are happy, share it with others, and get a reminder each time we look at the physical award.
Support and Validation: When we share our happy emotions, we may seek support and validation from others. By sharing positive experiences, we may receive encouragement, praise, and affirmation, which can boost our self-esteem and overall well-being.
Leadership Insight: As a business leader, I would encourage the celebration of achievements, no matter how small; it gives the team a sense of pride and motivates them to keep progressing. The word 'thank you' is not used enough in business and leadership, yet it goes a long way to give us our happiness.
I ask you all this week to really make a point of saying thank you, whether at home or at work, and see how the relationships improve.
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